I was asked to do my Peformance Appraisal. I thought I can get away from it this year but no.. I have to do it if I want to get company's bonus. Oh well.. that gives me enough reason to complete it. Waste no more time! I am on it! ....but I cant get into the portal right now.. so I decided to update my blog instead.
I always dreaded the appraisal time, it tires me out physically and mentally. Over the years, HR have made some so called improvements with the process that it is done twice a year now. Great! it is not enough with one time stress, they have to make it twice a year. Oh well, it is supposed to be a good thing for you to get feedback at half year then waiting the bomb to be dropped at the end of the year when it is a bit too late to do anything.
I remember how it was like in my old working place. You just have to thread carefully during this time of the year. People are more moody and extra bitchy. Somehow, we can know what the other person is getting though it is meant to be a confidential thing. Not only you are appraised by your bosses but your peers will be appraising you as well to evaluate whether you are deserving of the rating. You can really feel you are being judged especially if you are one of the lucky ones to get good ratings. The whole process such as the write up, filling in online forms, 'conversations with bosses, awaiting for final committee results, just drain your energy but at the same time, you also need to deal with your colleagues, their judgement, the perception, the talking behind your back. This year, I still have to go through the motion on the formal process part, but I am thankful that I am physically away from those informal juries.
Alas, I am not spared and still get slightly burned by the process when somebody who used to be a friend misunderstood the feedback that I was asked to give on the leadership assessment. Apart from the good.. no.. excellent ratings that I have given, and good elaboration on the strengths part, I was accused of being a traitor of a friendship because I provide not so great feedback on the development column. Oh well, already said sorry. Actually when I re read the reply I sent to this person again, I sounded like I was grovelling for forgiveness (but the attempt was being ignored completely). I thought is a waste to throw away a friendship just like that. People do make mistake and I think my mistake was putting the feedback on the Leadership Appraisal instead to the person's face. I should have known better that my friend (or ex-friend) will not able to take it well. I felt somewhat remorse and very sad when I was told, through the person's email that the friendship ends here and don't bother to reply because he/she was so angry. Heck, I replied anyway... I needed to explain myself!?
But come to think of it again, the person obviously did not think that the friendship is that important. I believe that a true friend will be able to to forgive a mishap because you know it is not done intentionally. The freaking form asked to fill in the development part, I was just being honest. Oh well, lesson learn. You have to be careful when you provide a feedback. It is an art whereby you have to use the right language (well i thought I did.. but my english is not good enough until I was misunderstood), the right moment and platform (my bad that I used the formal platform). You also have to think on the consequences. Will it backfire?
I think next year, I will surely ask the people, who request me to be the assessor whether he/she is ok in me providing developmental feedback. What is the exact intention of asking me, as a good friend, to provide feedback? Do you expect good rating and safe answers? Is it 'you scratch my back, I scratch yours' kind of thing where I give you good feedback and in turn you will reciprocate? The expectation need to be cleared upfront, though, you are not supposed to because you are meant to be truthful and provide your views with integrity blah d blah d blah. But the what the hell. The system is flawed in that sense. It is important to get the expectation clear especially with your friend, so you know what you are dealing with. Oh well, that is what I think. Feel sad about the lost of friendship but no point dwelling because life goes on. I am gutted that the friendship ended with an email.. without even bother to seek for my clarification. It is that easy...
I take this as a lesson learn and it does provided me with different perspective about life and human behaviour. Strangely, it makes me value my other friends better. The friends who accept me of who I am, as a very out right and frank person, and knows that for me is what you see is what you get. I have no time to plot a scheme to destroy you, or have no desire to stab you at the back. I do not dare to do that because I believe Allah is fair and one day it will get back to me. I will tell you what I like and don't like but still accept and love you as a person you are. You can choose to take heed or ignore me, but still love me as a friend. I am happy when my friends are happy and I truly mean it when I look into your eyes and say I am happy for you. More importantly in any relationship is ability to forgive. I would like God to give me wisdom to judge what is right and what is wrong, so I can be more forgiving and able to see the insight not just at the surface.
Truthfully, I have mixed emotion about the whole 'I dont want to friend you' thing. At first I felt very very sad but now, I feel slightly angry at the same time. Angry because one can be so accusing and throw away a friendship so easily. But not too angry until I lost all hope in our friendship. I am still hoping that one day, this person is able to see beyond the words of the feedback and see the true meaning of it. Hope.. this friend of mine will find in the heart to forgive me. Able to see the friendship that I have to offer is more that just a stupid annual process of performance appraisal, it is a lifetime deal... sampailah ke anak cucu.